Tales from the Blue Wendigo

I like martial arts movies. I think martial arts are cool, but let’s face it. There are too many cliches when it comes to the ancient arts of fighting as they are portrayed in the movies. The movies tend to not portray things realistically. Yeah, I’m sorry, i hate to burst your bubble. But let’s take a look at the common recurring themes when it comes to martial arts.

1. An ancient/Old Asian man will take on an American youngster and teach him everything he knows. – Hey, I lived in Japan for two years and I didn’t have any old Asian guys offering to teach me a thing. Not even the proper way to hold my chopsticks!

2. When a Kung Fu master fights multiple opponents, they all take turns attacking him. – Is this some sort of unwritten code? Why don’t they jump him all at once and beat his ass down?

3. Eventually the master will die, leaving the apprentice to soul search and find the final lesson within himself.- No way, the kid would freak out because he never got his diploma or something and he would never feel complete, then he would get his ass kicked by every bully in school.

4. The master knows some crazy ancient powers that have been lost to the western world. – Like slapping your hands together and rubbing them to generate heat that will heal wounds and broken bones. But they can’t figure out how to grow facial hair? Or maybe they are suppressing the growth through ancient ninja powers?

5. Really good masters can dodge bullets and catch arrows. – Has anyone ever shot a ninja? Speak up! Anyone?

6. Any object taken into the hand, automatically becomes a weapon and a true master will be proficient with it. – A plunger? A coat hanger? A balloon animal? Man I would feel stupid if I got beat down by a balloon animal!

Let me tell you the secret to martial arts success. Listen to this song everyday, and nobody will beat you.

You’re the Best Around

Jason