Tales from the Blue Wendigo

Some people have no problems floating an air biscuit in public, even a loud one. However, for the rest of you who are worried about it, I have some simple strategies for emitting flatulence in a covert way in the workplace.

The Rule of Three – Always float a silent loaf in a crowd of three or more. In a crowd of two, you and the other person both know who did it, in three or more everyone except you is left guessing and if confronted, you can say it wasn’t you and then everyone is left guessing on who is lying.

The Drive By – Sometimes you don’t have a place to blast and air dookie, so you have to walk by a set of cubicles and release slowly and then quickly vacate the area. Try not to be seen as you move through the space. If done well, you can spark a fight in the cubicle area after you are gone on who let the skunk out of the bag.

Avoid the Detectives – As you apply the rule of three, keep in mind that the more you release toxic DNA into the office, the more you can be fingered as the culprit. A smart savvy co-worker may begin to find you as the common thread. “Everytime I’m in a group and there is a cheek leak, Jason is always around!” Try to avoid this scenario!

The Reverb – Try not to pop off when sitting on a chair. If you have to, wait for the timing to coincide with another sound, like the phone ringing or announcements over the intercom. If you really have to let go and you can’t hold it, use the fire alarm, but only as a last resort! The smell might make people believe it’s a real fire and call the fire department.

The Cubicle Inversion – Remember! Be on the move, don’t toil in your own stink. The cubicle walls act as a valley and hold the smell in. If someone comes by to talk to you, they may pass out and bodies lying around your workspace are a sure sign that you are cutting the cheese.

I hope this helps my flatulent readers.

Jason